Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
where do you see yourself in five years?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
damn he’s good
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.