her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.