The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?