Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.