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Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Seems kinda suspicious
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”