When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Care for your back
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder