Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
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“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
THIS HEADLINE
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[montage of me giving-up]
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..