Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*has no idea what a book even is*
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now