In Medieval times, people used antimony as a π³π¦πΆπ΄π’π£ππ¦ laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: thatβs right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Them: Youβre a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think Iβm hot?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who donβt have cars
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I donβt use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Iβm aging like a fine banana
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with βhow-to books.β
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Men donβt use the Internet. Donβt believe me women? Go check your manβs search history. Guarantee itβs empty.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
7YO: Maybe Iβll behave tomorrow and then youβll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying βmaybe?β
Her: I donβt know the future