[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
smh
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA