When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.