Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Okey dokey.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance