Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.