I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
The Others (2001)
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue