The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
i dont have time for this
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Coffee is ready.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.