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The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Rather alarming headline…
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Have a lovely day 😊
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.