My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?