Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.