“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
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Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
sistine chapel
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.