If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Time heals everything 🙂
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.