They grow up so quick
You Might Also Like
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I have obtained a hat
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.