even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[canadians at you, canadianly]
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
#catsoftwitter
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo