Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”