Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
This probably isn’t good
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather