I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Bringing home a sharpie
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”