My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here