Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*