Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
some things should go without saying
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.