It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
crying
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Favourite diary entry ever
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.