Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.