Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Somebody call the cops.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
How to draw a duck
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.