Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Chicago sounds lovely.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.