Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
You Might Also Like
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…