you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
men, we mow at sunrise.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Self-cleaning conscience
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
#SaturdayBears
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ