My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
adam and eve had first world problems
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’