She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
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boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.