Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.