My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
…..pretty much.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly