noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them