Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
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10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
The prophecy is fulfilled
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
the Monday after daylight savings
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
c’mon!
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp