Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
new shirt idea
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.