Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!