Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?