You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
good morning
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’