It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Hmmmmm
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.