*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
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*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Life is a suicide mission.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Dead sexy!!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.