Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.