Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?