There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
My current situation
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
is this a threat
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.