Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
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Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.